Sense of Accomplishment

That has to be one of my favorite feelings. Its so nice to finish things, and do things for yourself. I've had my moments of despair, and feeling like i couldn't do much of anything. Things are looking up. I'm doing things with myself. I'm keeping the house nice. I feel like a great mom with great kids. I just feel like my life is on the right track. And as I write this Luke is throwing a ginormous tantrum. haha

Doing Things

I've felt so motivated lately. This may sound very strange, but since I truly feel that Evelyn was my last baby, I'm looking forward to everything I get to do in the future, without having to break for another baby. (although, another surprise pregnancy down the line would be welcomed and accepted). I'm not sure it even makes sense to me, because I know that having another baby couldnt stop me from doing the following things, but it might make it a little harder.
I'm getting a sewing machine this weekend, and I'm so excited to get started. My first endeavor is to learn to make pillowcase dresses. I already have all of the supplies, and fabric. Now I just need to learn to sew!! Following pillowcase dresses, I'd love to learn how to sew diaper covers, baby leggings...that sort of stuff. But I imagine it would take me quite awhile to get there.
I'd also like to make an all over health change. I want to exercise at least 3 days a week, and cut back on sweets. I've got the exercise video I want to use, and I think i've got enough stored up motivation to actually make this change. :)
I want to start scrapbooking. I have the scrapbooks, and all the accesories, I just need to get started. Starting with developing all my darn pictures!!
I'd like to write more, which is where this comes in handy.

Girly

If someone were to ask me what I want to be when i grow up, my answer would be "girly."

Lately, I've been in rare form. I look at myself, and literally cringe. I hate hate hate my appearance. And my sad look is not for lack of trying, I assure you. I try and do my hair and make up, but all it does is make me see my greys, or my huge pores. I try and dress myself nicely with what i do have, but i haven't gotten a good deal of clothes to fit my new body since long before i had Luke.

I need to learn to love what I am right now. That's what i tell myself. But at this point I'm wondering HOW. I used to not be so embarrassed to nurse in front of Peter, but now i find myself blushing if he gets a peak at my post baby belly.

I remember the days where my skin was great, my teeth were white, my hair was always done and cute, my make up was subtle but pretty, and my clothes were awesome. I'm not expecting the body of an 18 year old again, but I would like something to be happy about. I'm only 24, and I feel and look so much older. I used to wear jewelry, and perfume everyday. I want to be more feminine and girly before my daughter realizes i'm not.

A lot of this has to do with self control too. I NEED it so bad. I need to eat better. I need to exercise. I need to pamper myself in any way I can.
I think i'm going to start with a small goal. No. More. Soda. That's easy right? I can do this. Maybe next week I'll have a different goal.

The Birth of Evelyn Paige--edited & enhanced

The Birth Of Evelyn Paige

My due date was November 29, but since I was very sick with a cold, I was convinced labor would start late. I had heard that the body wont go into labor while sick. Haha not true!

I remember laying there, Evelyn was kicking like crazy, then she stopped for awhile, but i was still having slight, tolerable contractions. I remember feeling this strange "pop" feeling at the top on my round belly. It was different then any kick or jab i'd ever felt from her. I immediately thought, "wouldnt it be crazy if i started to drip water, because that was the feeling of my bag busting!?" Sure enough, my waters started leaking within 10 minutes. The time was 3:30 in the morning on the 30^th. I told my midwife later about the little "pop" i felt, and she thought that was very interesting, and very likely that's what i was felt. I'll never know :)

I went ahead and called my midwife to let her know what was going on, and then i laid back down to try and get some rest. It was impossible. Not only could I not breathe through my nose, and had a hacking cough, but harsh contractions started almost immediately. I called her back at 4:30am to let her know the pain was increasing and they were 5 minutes or less apart. She told me she was going to get up and come on over. I went and told Pete that this was it, and the midwife was on her way. His reaction was a worlds difference from when i went into labor with Luke. He grunted something, and turned over in bed, reluctant to get up. (but eventually he did)

I gave up on sleep and went downstairs, and started to watch "White Christmas." It was almost impossible for me to fully pay attention, but i loved the little bit i did watch. I still need to see the rest! Maybe next Christmas.

I started walking around the house to get things to progress further. When my midwife arrived, she checked me out and said that I was about 5cm already. Half way! I actually remember thinking "oh God, this is gonna take all day." The only info i had to go on was how long i was in labor with Luke, and that was 36 hours. (from water breaking to his delivery) But this labor was very different from the first, and my pain increased much quicker.

I sat on a birthing ball for contractions which was awesome. It really helped. Then I decided to get into the tub. The warm water certainly felt nice, and i was excited for the next contraction so I could see if it helped with the pain. I felt no difference. I actually felt that the water made me feel out of control, and I almost didnt know what to do with myself. Not only that but the tub seemed to stall my contractions, so I decided to get out, and go get something to eat. Peter made me an egg, and I had some applesauce.I had to force myself to eat the egg. I really didnt want it, but knew i needed something to get me through my marathon.

After I ate I decided to walk up and down the stairs to get things REALLY going. It did. They got pretty unbearable, so I decided to get back on the birthing ball. My midwife wanted to check the baby's heart rate through a couple contractions. When she checked it, she noticed that Evelyn's heart rate would drop to, what she considered to be, a dangerous level at the peak of the contraction. She rushed to get the oxygen, and told me to take deep breaths. I immediately began to cry, and tell her that she was worrying me. She didn't say anything which worried me more. They continued to check her heart rate during contractions, and some of the time there would be no dip, and some of the time her heart rate would slow down so much. I was becoming terrified. Each contraction I had I wasn't able to concentrate on my breathing or anything else, except for the sound of the doppler and the sound of her heart slowing down. My midwife said we would need to go to the hospital. I started to bawl again, and just looked and Peter and held his hands while trying to get through each contraction. I heard my midwife in the hallway calling the hospital to tell them we were coming. I was so disappointed.

We didn't rush out right away. My midwife first tried to get me into different positions for contractions to see if that helped her. She was ok some of the time, and then some of the time her heart rate would still drop to, what she considered, dangerous levels. I was in the tub again laboring when she checked during another contraction. This time it got lower than it had at all before. They started to rush around and get everything for the hospital. I got out of the tub and put on a shirt, underwear, and robe. My midwife wanted to check my progress before I got into the car. When she did, she said I was 8cm. She rushed me down the stairs and got me into the back of her small car, lying on my side. Everyone said how cold it was outside, but i didnt notice at all. Which is surprising, because my robe was flapping open to only reveal me wearing only a shirt, and underwear!

The hospital she was taking me to was about an 8 minute drive away from my house. As I had contractions in the car her apprentice was still checking the baby's heart with the doppler. I remember screamed "no no no no" over and over, and crying. I was so upset about everything that was happening, and the pain was increasing. My screams were all I heard at that point. The bumps of the car were excruciating. And then it happened…I needed to push. At first I tried to fight it, but it really is impossible. I screamed that I was feeling her bear down and I needed to push. She told me to do what my body wanted. The midwife's apprentice checked her heart rate and it turns out that while I pushed there was no decel. They asked if I wanted to go back home. Amidst my pushing and screaming, it wasn't the time to ask me such a question. I screamed "I don't know!" Peter told her he to go back to the house, and she turned the car around immediately. I kept screaming that I wanted out of the car, and that she was coming. I screamed while pushing, and my midwife told me that instead of screaming i should make deep animalistic moans as i pushed. I did as she said, and it was AMAZING the difference. As i pushed in this way, the pain I was feeling in my belly would diminish. The whole ordeal in the car lasted about 6 minutes. When we pulled back into our driveway, she rushed to check where the baby was, and her head was rightthere. She somehow got me out of the car, and into the house. ( I barely remember this transition)

They were all rushing around me and everything was a blur. Screaming for towels, and olive oil, and gloves. They lay me down right on the living room floor and I began to push. I felt her head slipping down, and the burning sensation. The pain would [pretty much] go away as I pushed, but with each breath I had to take, I screamed out in pain. With one more push her head came out, and with another her body did. She was born in just 7 minutes from the time I felt the first urge to push to the time she came out on my living room floor under our Christmas tree. The time was 10:32am. Only a 6 hour labor. She was placed immediately on my tummy skin to skin. I cried, and was so relieved in was over. Peter cried to, and was just so happy.

Evelyn was fine. I was fine. Luke was brought in almost immediately, and his face beamed when he saw her. After I birthed the placenta, they helped me up the stairs to bed.

If we had made it to the hospital parking lot, I don't think I would have made it inside. The baby would have been born in the car or on a stretcher on the way to the hospital room. I'm so glad we were able to make it back home.

I nursed Evelyn after I got into bed, and she is a nursing champ, and I could hear her gulping the colostrum.

She was 8lbs 6oz at birth, but at her 24 hour check up with the midwife she had dropped down to 7lbs 12oz. It was all her POOP. She pooped out a TON of meconium in the first 24 hours.

She seems to be very patient. Loud noises don't seem to bother her much, and she doesn't get too frustrated when I have to fix her latch on the breast 3 times in a row. She loves to gaze at faces, and YES I have seen her smile at me already. Poo on anyone who says newborns cant smile.

Even though my labor and her delivery was a terrifying and emotional event, I wouldn't have it any other way. My daughter was born in my home right underneath the Christmas tree, and she is 100% healthy and 100% beautiful. Thank you God.

editor's note: I just want to say that a few days after Evelyn was born, after much stewing over my birth experience, i wasnt very happy. Heart rate decels are normal in labor, and i dont think that her's were anything to worry about. Certainly not any reason to rush me to a hospital at 8cm. I'm very happy that i had her at home, drug free, and that i was able to try the birthing ball, and the water. What I am unhappy about is the fact that my midwife didnt comfort me or support me through all of the talk of hospitals, and heart rate decels. I had plans to focus on my contractions, and find ways for my body to cope with them the best way possible, but very early on she talked of Evelyn's heart decels, which left those wishes shattered. I was too worried at that point for anything else. You live you learn.